I was quite resistant to joining Facebook at first. I was afraid I’d be flooded with friend requests from co-workers I can’t stand and high school alumni I barely remember. As it turns out, those two groups do in fact make up 99% of my Facebook friends, but it’s all good. Because Facebook friends are much less of a commitment than real friends: it’s like having a plant versus having a dog. I know, I’ve had the same plant for 28 years and the neglect it’s endured would have killed a half dozen dogs by now or at least made them real sick. Which brings us to thing I hate #4.
#4: “OH, I’M SO SICK” POSTS
Unless it involves shitting your pants or vomiting on another person nobody wants to hear you whine about how sick you are on Facebook. Do you call your real friends up to tell them how sick you are? Yeah, you probably do, but at least that’s a much smaller audience. On Facebook people want to be entertained or at least interested, maybe enough to engage in an online conversation. ”I’m feeling so awful, this cold won’t go away”, is a terrible conversation starter. There’s only two possible responses for that: a sympathetic, “Awww, hope you feel better soon hun!”-type post or just to mutter, “fuckin’ little whiner” under your breath and keep on scrolling. It’s more interesting to hear you’re going to the gym than to hear you whine how sick you are. Well…maybe not. Anyway, a German study has just discovered a third of Facebook users get “Facebook Envy” when they see their Facebook friends having way cooler lives than their own. So in a weird Yin/Yang sort of way, we need your whiny sick posts, to make us feel better about ourselves. But I’m still keeping them on the list. Now for #3.
#3: SHARING FOUR OR MORE PICTURES IN A ROW FROM THE SAME COMMUNITY
You know those Community pages I’m talking about, the ones with names like, ‘Hippy Peace Freaks’, or ‘Words To Inspire the Soul’ or ‘Sexy, Sophisticated, Intelligent Women Who Say ‘Fuck’ a Lot’. I don’t visit them myself, but every now and then on my wall I get like ten or twelve pictures pictures in a row from the same community posted by the same friend, mere seconds apart. What are you doing? Behaving like an eighty year old widow at a slot machine on pension day? ”Share it! Share it! Share it! Share it! ”Share it!”. I have to tell you, when I’m checking Facebook on my mobile all those pictures are a real pain in the ass. Here’s a suggestion; don’t share any pictures from a community page until you’ve looked at every one. Then go back and share the best three. Or better yet don’t share any pictures at all. You can tell us exactly how you’re feeling in those special mass-sharing moments with one simple text update, “I am fucking hammered!!”. #2
#2 LIKE THIS POST IF YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER/SON/DAUGHTER/
These annoy me even more then those stupid ”click like if you hate cancer” posts which always smell like spam to me. I guess because the “click like if you love your mom” or “click like if you love your kids” posts annoy me for two reasons. First, what about all the people that don’t have a loving and supportive mother or great kids? No posts for them. Just once I’d love to see a post that said, “Mothers are evil manipulative bitches that tell lies to set the other family members against each other in order to maintain Machiavellian control. Click like if you hate your Mom!” Probably never going to see that but it brings me to my second point: who gives a fuck if you love your kids? We naturally assume you would anyway, so why are you telling us on Facebook? Why don’t you call your kids up and tell them in person? Oh, unless maybe Facebook is the only way you have left to communicate with these kids you purportedly love. You’re a bad parent. And finally, #1.
Thanks for reading.
***I will be taking a hiatus from ‘Can I Be Blunt?’ to pursue my political aspirations. Please follow my campaign for Mayor of Vancouver 2014 at jerbear4mayor.com.