Four Things I Hate About Facebook

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I was quite resistant to joining Facebook at first.  I was afraid I’d be flooded with friend requests from co-workers I can’t stand and high school alumni I barely remember.  As it turns out, those two groups do in fact make up 99% of my Facebook friends, but it’s all good.  Because Facebook friends are much less of a commitment than real friends: it’s like having a plant versus having a dog.  I know, I’ve had the same plant for 28 years and the neglect it’s endured would have killed a half dozen dogs by now or at least made them real sick.  Which brings us to thing I hate #4.

#4: “OH, I’M SO SICK” POSTS

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Unless it involves shitting your pants or vomiting on another person nobody wants to hear you whine about how sick you are on Facebook. Do you call your real friends up to tell them how sick you are?  Yeah, you probably do, but at least that’s a much smaller audience.  On Facebook people want to be entertained or at least interested, maybe enough to engage in an online conversation.  ”I’m feeling so awful, this cold won’t go away”, is a terrible conversation starter.  There’s only two possible responses for that: a sympathetic, “Awww, hope you feel better soon hun!”-type post or just to mutter, “fuckin’ little whiner” under your breath and keep on scrolling.  It’s more interesting to hear you’re going to the gym than to hear you whine how sick you are.  Well…maybe not.  Anyway, a German study has just discovered a third of Facebook users get “Facebook Envy” when they see their Facebook  friends having way cooler lives than their own.  So in a weird Yin/Yang sort of way, we need your whiny sick posts, to make us feel better about ourselves.  But I’m still keeping them on the list.  Now for #3.

#3: SHARING FOUR OR MORE PICTURES IN A ROW FROM THE SAME COMMUNITY

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You know those Community pages I’m talking about, the ones with names like, ‘Hippy Peace Freaks’, or ‘Words To Inspire the Soul’ or ‘Sexy, Sophisticated, Intelligent Women Who Say ‘Fuck’ a Lot’.  I don’t visit them myself, but every now and then on my wall I get like ten or twelve pictures pictures in a row from the same community posted by the same friend, mere seconds apart.  What are you doing?  Behaving like an eighty year old widow at a slot machine on pension day?  ”Share it!  Share it!  Share it!  Share it!  ”Share it!”.  I have to tell you, when I’m checking Facebook on my mobile all those pictures are a real pain in the ass.  Here’s a suggestion; don’t share any pictures from a community page until you’ve looked at every one.  Then go back and share the best three.  Or better yet don’t share any pictures at all. You can tell us exactly how you’re feeling in those special mass-sharing moments with one simple text update, “I am fucking hammered!!”.  #2

#2 LIKE THIS POST IF YOU LOVE YOUR MOTHER/SON/DAUGHTER/

love your kids

These annoy me even more then those stupid  ”click like if you hate cancer” posts which always smell like spam to me.  I guess because the “click like if you love your mom” or “click like if you love your kids” posts annoy me for two reasons.  First, what about all the people that don’t have a loving and supportive mother or great kids?  No posts for them.  Just once I’d love to see a post that said, “Mothers are evil manipulative bitches that tell lies to set the other family members against each other in order to maintain Machiavellian control.  Click like if you hate your Mom!”  Probably never going to see that but it brings me to my second point: who gives a fuck if you love your kids?  We naturally assume you would anyway, so why are you telling us on Facebook?  Why don’t you call your kids up and tell them in person?  Oh, unless maybe Facebook is the only way you have left to communicate with these kids you purportedly love.  You’re a bad parent.  And finally, #1.

#1 FAKE LEGAL PRIVACY NOTICES THAT APPEAR EVERY TIME FACEBOOK CHANGES THEIR PRIVACY POLICY

Legally-Blonde

OK, downloading ‘Legally Blonde’ or ‘The Pelican Brief’ doesn’t make you a lawyer.  Also, just because a paragraph you copied and pasted contains words like “herein” and “hereby” and seems a little like the piracy warnings you ignore, it’s not necessarily legally binding.  If you’re such an expert you should have read Facebook’s privacy policy first and saved yourself the embarrassment of being duped.  The same outrage was raised when Instagram wanted some payback for their service-everybody wants it all for free and nobody wants to give anything up.  Would you be interested in paying a monthly subscription fee to Facebook to use their service and still retain your intellectual property rights?  I didn’t think so.  And let’s be frank; ‘intellectual property’ is a little generous, don’t you think?  I mean what are we talking about here?  Pictures of your lunch, pictures of your dog on his back on the couch with his balls hanging out, maybe pictures of logs on a beach taken with a black and white filter on your iPhone 5?  Do you really think that stuff is worth money?  I got news for you Annie Leibovitz-don’t quit your day job.  You should be happy if one of your pictures is used to sell impotence drugs or pitch a dating site full of MILFs; it’s a great way to give a little something back to a company that provides such unbridled voyeuristic pleasure.

Thanks for reading.

***I will be taking a hiatus from ‘Can I Be Blunt?’ to pursue my political aspirations.  Please follow my campaign for Mayor of Vancouver 2014 at jerbear4mayor.com.

 

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Blunt Radio: X-Rated

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Here’s our newest podcast featuring all offensive songs-some are funny and offensive, some are sexy and offensive, some are just offensive.  One thing’s for sure, they should quite handily flush the last of those lingering Christmas carols out of your head.  You can listen right here by clicking the button below or download it for free in the iTunes Store.  Just do a search in ‘Podcasts’ for ‘blunt radio’ or ‘can i be blunt’.

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 59:31 — 68.1MB) | Embed

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Bullying II: The Muslim Threat

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OK I’ve been wanting to write a blog on Muslim jihadists for a couple of months now but my friends keep talking me out of it, fearing for my life.  However in my last blog I advocated standing up to bullies and if I’m going to talk the talk I damn well better walk the walk.  After all if I let jihadist death threats bully me into silence the next thing you know we’ll all be kneeling in the street praying to Mecca twice a day which would be bearable in an arid climate but Vancouver is just too wet for that shit.  I don’t want to be accused of racism or hate crimes though so I’m starting with some disclaimers:

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First, I know that not all Muslims are Arabs, however I’ve never been to Indonesia but in 1986 I spent five months in the Middle East-Turkey, Syria, Jordan, Israel, Palestine, and Egypt-so my impression of Muslims is based on that area.  Incidentally while I was in the Middle East I was treated very hospitably-once they figured out I wasn’t American-and I was even invited into several peoples’ homes.

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Second, I know the vast majority of Muslims are not terrorists or fanatics, just as the vast majority of Christians don’t shoot abortion doctors.  I’ve also noticed that way more moderate Muslims are getting blown up by the fanatics then us infidels are; if anything, they’re more scared shitless of the fanatics then we are.

And finally, in case some Muslim cleric on the other side of the planet reads this blog and is tempted to issue a fatwa against me it’s only fair to point out that despite the fact I currently reside in the white guilt-ridden politically correct epicentre of the Great White North I’m not a British author or a Danish cartoonist or a French newspaper editor-I’m a Canadian ex-commercial fisherman with a shitload of guns and even more redneck buddies that would rather see every Muslim in the world clubbed like a baby seal than give up their beer and titty bars.

Here’s the thing-I’m not always successful but I do my best to live my life according to the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.  I really don’t like the idea of Sharia law, but that’s in a different culture in a different country and I’m not about to tell them how to live.  The flip side of course is I’m not about to let them tell me how to live.  What’s ironic is the last thing in the world I would have considered doing is drawing a picture of Mohammed but once some maniac tells me I mustn’t do that all I want to do is pick up a copy of ‘Pictionary: The Mohammed Edition’.

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What’s really been getting my goat is various politicians being quoted in the media describing Islam as a “great religion“.  What’s so great about it?  You can’t gamble or drink alcohol at all which is pretty much fucked right there.  The Christians tried pulling that no drinking shit off for a while and failed miserably.  All they were asking for was no booze on Sundays-one measly day a week-but we got rid of that stupid idea in 1986.  And that’s what really kills me-everyone’s so worried about getting blown up they can’t kiss enough Muslim ass, but at the same time they are shitting all over the Christians-we won’t even let them say “Merry Christmas” anymore for Christ’s sake!  And the Christians are no pushovers; they pulled off two Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem witch trials, and closer to home, residential schools for Native children.

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And that’s what kills me the most, sacrificing our freedom of speech to accommodate a religion that is the antithesis of our Western culture.  If I were to write a blog saying all women are dumb bitches that should stay in the kitchen the shit would hit the fan and I’d have the B.C. Civil Liberties Association crawling right up my ass.  Yet I’m supposed to be respectful of a religion that condones a fourteen year old girl being shot in the head for going to school.  Give me a fucking break!

terry jones

Terry Jones, the American pastor that burned a Koran was recently barred from entering Canada.  Why is that?  We’re not a Muslim country.  All he did was burn a book, paper and ink, just like every other book.  Disrespectful as hell for sure, but in no way justifying the murderous rampage that ensued.  If we’re going to bar that cracker we should bar every Muslim tourist as well.  Same thing with that shit-disturbing short film, “The Innocence of Muslims”, the one that caused even more riots and got an American ambassador killed.  All the emphasis in the Western media was on how offensive the film was while the condemnation of the ensuing violence seemed more like a post script.  If a bunch of Christian fanatics went on a murderous rampage in New York after Martin Scorsese released ‘The Last Temptation of Christ’ would we tolerate that?  No.  If a bunch of Christian fanatics went on a murderous rampage in Australia after Mel Gibson released ‘Passion of the Christ’ would we tolerate that?  No.  Then why are we tolerating these riots from the Muslim fanatics?  What, are we afraid they’re going to stop selling us oil?  If you think they’re going to give up all those petro-dollars and trade in their Mercedes’ for camels you’re crazier than they are.

desert mercedes

And that’s that, I’ve said my piece.  If you’re a moderate Muslim that doesn’t want to kill me for being a non-Muslim I mean you no offence and wish you a happy and prosperous life.  However if your a fanatical jihadist that wants to murder me and my friends and family you can take a long hard suck on the soles of my feet.  And if this blog does get me killed all I ask is that my body be strapped to the first nuke to hit Mecca.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.

 

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Bullying

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Hello kids, I’m Uncle Jer.  You’ve been back at school for a few weeks now and have had a chance to renew old friendships and rivalries so I thought you’d be ready for some advice on bullies.  I had a bully when I was in grade 2.  Byron Anderson.  I don’t remember if Byron ever beat me up but I remember being scared shitless of him every afternoon when the school day ended.  It was unpleasant but I survived, just like I survived measles and chickenpox and the second hand cigarette smoke in my Dad’s pick-up truck.
Our first lesson today kids is the difference between idealism and realism.  Idealism says if enough of you wear pink t-shirts all the bullies will turn into nice guys.  Realism says there’s safety in numbers but if those bullies get you alone they’ll be calling you a fucking little faggot in a faggy pink shirt.  Are you cowering in front of your display right now?  Well relax, I can help you.
The problem is kids we’re simpler than we give ourselves credit for; we’re only mammals after all, we have hair, grow inside our mommies’ bellies and the females of the Class Mammalia lactate, like that’s a big fucking deal.  Mammals are not all equal, there’s a pecking order based on strength that you may never be at the top of. You may not be big enough, brave enough, butch enough, or in our modern Western civilization shallow and slutty enough. If it’s any consolation, you were probably a real dick in a previous life.
People tell me we are different than the other mammals because we have higher intelligence.  Those poor saps say “higher intelligence” like it’s a good thing.  Let’s look at a few things higher intelligence has given us so far, in no particular order: chemical weapons; tar sand oil; genocide; the pharmaceutical industry; obesity; global warming; reality TV; religion; and stupid-ass books on discovering your past lives.  Admittedly higher intelligence has given us some good things too, like rock and roll, recreational drugs, and giant fake tits.
Anyway kids, you don’t have to be a victim-the choice is yours.  Just like a monkey uses a stone to crack a nut your higher intelligence is the stone you can use to crack your bully’s nuts.  Which brings us to today’s final lesson: deterrence.  Just like the mutually assured nuclear destruction of the Cold War era you probably won’t have to use any of these solutions for bullies; just having the bullies know you’re capable of these disturbing acts should be enough to get them to leave you alone.
For a single bully or to target the ringleader of a group of bullies, start with a psychological attack.  Wait until the bully’s family is away from home then kill the family pet.  Chop it up on the porch and use it’s blood to write, “Your mom is next!” on their front door.  If you’re a city kid that might not be possible, so your best bet is to head to skid row and find a used needle.  Wear gloves for this one kids.  You won’t be able to give your bully AIDS unless you can pull a needle right out of a junky’s arm and stick the bully right then and there but even a needle two or three days old will still almost certainly give your bully hepatitis.  If it’s a group of bullies harassing you, get a squeezable water bottle and fill it with bleach.  Try to blast them in the eyes; remember, they can’t bully you if they can’t see you.  For cyber-bullying, turn your computer off.  Kidding!!  Set up a couple of fake profiles and arrange a date with your bully and an online predator.  Then, when your bully is abducted and an Amber Alert goes up, call the hotline with false sightings so your bully will never be found again.  And finally, if you’re a suicide case, DON’T DO IT!!  Suicide is an unnatural symptom of higher intelligence.  Make a stand for all the other victims and douse your bully in gasoline and spark a match.  You’ll go inside for that one but you’ll be OK in there because no one’s going to fuck with a kid that burned someone alive, even if you’re wearing a pink t-shirt.
Thanks for reading.
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Save The Planet

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So I’m a little late with this blog, late enough to be early really.  I missed posting it on Earth Hour, which was the last Saturday of March, and then I missed Earth Day on April 22.  I thought if I waited long enough something else would come up: an Earth Fortnight or Earth Rave or maybe a Save the Earth Super Sale at the Brick, prices on our greenest appliances are so hot they’re killing polar bears! Nothing like that has happened though and I can’t wait any more.

When I was a kid the only recycling that existed was the fundraising bottle drives we did as cub scouts, harassing our neighbours for their empties we could return for the deposits.  Because I lived in a redneck town we would score huge on beer bottles although every year at least one of our pack got bitten by a dog, which taught a valuable life lesson: nothing’s free-somebody always has to pay.  These days if a kid gets bit by a dog I’m not sure which one would get to see the grief counsellor first.  With any luck I’ll be long dead before these over-protective seeds of political correctness yield their bitter harvest.  If I was a young person today I’d be memorizing the Koran right now.  Oops!  Back to recycling.  When I was a kid I always turned my bedroom light off, not because I wanted to save the planet, but because my Dad wanted to save money.  Once when he was giving me shit for leaving my desk lamp turned on, I offered him a quarter to pay for the tiny amount of electricity I was burning.  That earned me a slap upside the head and taught another valuable life lesson-sometimes it’s best just to shut the fuck up.  As you can tell by the Koran crack, I still have trouble with that one.

Anyway, “Save the planet for the future generations” is the hysterical plea.  Save it on a consumer level anyway   Here in B.C. we’re still exporting tens of millions of tons of coal a year with no signs of slowing down, and once those penny-pinching prairie oil producers finally pony up a decent payoff for our pristine wilderness that Tar Sand Pipeline’s going to come pounding through.  Do you really think it’s going to make a difference if I turn off the water when I brush my teeth?

I believe doing something is always better than doing nothing though, so I did turn off the water when I brushed my teeth, for the future generations.  I also washed my laundry in cold water, kept my tires properly inflated, shopped locally, and washed my plastic and glass containers and sorted them and my paper products in the appropriate recycling bins; I even used a towel instead of tissues to tidy up after I toss…that’s a little too much information, but how about this?  I even sorted and flattened out the shit my lazy neighbours threw into the wrong recycling bins,  Here’s a tip: if your idea of recycling is to throw an extra-large unflattened corrugated cardboard box on top of the mixed paper bin, next time just throw that shit right in the trash.  You’ll hasten up the extinction of the future generations, but it will be worthwhile because useless scumbag assholes like you won’t be around either.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Jer Bear, you’re childless.  In fact, you even got yourself fixed to be absolutely certain you don’t end up like one of those poor pitiful slobs pushing a baby stroller up the street with their fat wife.  What the fuck do you care about the future generations?”  Well you got me there, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass if the future generations are burned to a crisp through a gaping ozone hole, but I recycled like a motherfucker anyway, because it felt like the right thing to do.  However, in case you missed my past tense, that shit is over.

I always ignored special ‘Earth’ events, thinking my exhaustive recycling efforts were enough, but this year I did a little research on Earth Hour, to see if there was something more I could do, something more I could offer the Earth, hopefully pick up some planet saving tips from the future generation themselves.  Well it turns out all those spoiled pricks do on Earth Hour is turn out their non-essential lights.  For one hour.  There’s 8760 hours in a year. Here’s a question: If it’s a non-essential light what the fuck is it doing on in the first place?  You’re telling me I’m a fully grown man trying to wash peanut butter residue from the bottom of a deep plastic jar to save the planet for a future generation that lets their non-essential lights burn 8759 hours a year?  A generation that’s also dragging our voter turnout levels to record lows?  I’m pissed.  Fuck y’all, you can future generate my dick.  While I’ve been recording this blog all my lights are on, as well as three computers and my TV.  I’m playing a DVD, running the Xbox, and I’m PVR’ing a movie I’m going to delete without watching.  My barbecue is heating up the atmosphere and I just bought two extra large boxes of Kleenex, one for the bedroom, and one to keep here near the computer which I guess I might as well bust out right now, if only I can find some open-pit mining porn.

Thanks for reading.

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